26

who am i ? where have i been?

i'm always changing and stressing out over the changes but it's inevitable, right? flowers grow trees grow people grow... if they're lucky, that is.

i knew growing up was a thing but i never actually thought that it was something that i would have to deal with it. i grew up thinking that growing up was a very far away, distant thing. and then, all of a sudden, i'm 26. i never consented to this!

we learned recently in my child development class that teenagers literally believe that all of the experiences and feelings in their lives are 100% unique... nobody else in the history of the world has ever felt what they've felt! teenagers also wholeheartedly believe in their own invincibility, really, truly believe in it. i'd give anything to have that confidence back, to be that naive, that open to possibilities.

in life

you fall down, you get up, you fall down, you get up, you fall down, you get up, you fall down.

you stay down.

nobody ever warns you about the times when life knocks you down and you can't. get. the fuck. up. honestly, sometimes life knocks your ass down and when you get up, you're different. you just can't go back to the way you were before you were knocked the fuck down, it's not possible. and that's the yucky unfun part about growing up for me. i've lost bits of me and aspects of myself over the years. i've lost friends and houses and pets and towns and family and it's fucking surreal. it really is.

i asked my roommate, vinny, "does it ever stop feeling weird? getting older?" and he laughed and shook his head and replied, "no. no, it doesn't."

Christopher Kane Versus Versace Fall 2010

I really love the alienesque quality of these dresses. I need something super structured and colorful and metallic in my life right about now, I think. 

Closer To You

i made a song! kinda... this is a rly rough version on my phone, but, hey, it's something creative! hope you enjoy.

LYRICS:

in stressful situations
i need constant stimulation
to keep me from destroying myself

and my entire life is
a stressful situation
imploding in on itself

i'm sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so I climb on the roof
and get too drunk
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
i can feel closer to you (x3)

i spent years of my life
asleep on other people's couches
trying to figure out

why my nails are bitten down
and why i feel like i'm
not in control of myself

i'm sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so i climb on the roof
and i drink too much
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
I can feel closer to you (x3)

i wore the same jeans for a couple of months
avoided the cracks in the sidewalk
we fed ants in the street
in the sweet summer heat
little johnny and me
until he stomped them.
i couldn't stop him.

sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so i climb on the roof
and get too drunk
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
i can feel closer to you (x3)