12.05.2016

26

who am i ? where have i been?

i'm always changing and stressing out over the changes but it's inevitable, right? flowers grow trees grow people grow... if they're lucky, that is.

i knew growing up was a thing but i never actually thought that it was something that i would have to deal with it. i grew up thinking that growing up was a very far away, distant thing. and then, all of a sudden, i'm 26. i never consented to this!

we learned recently in my child development class that teenagers literally believe that all of the experiences and feelings in their lives are 100% unique... nobody else in the history of the world has ever felt what they've felt! teenagers also wholeheartedly believe in their own invincibility, really, truly believe in it. i'd give anything to have that confidence back, to be that naive, that open to possibilities.

in life

you fall down, you get up, you fall down, you get up, you fall down, you get up, you fall down.

you stay down.

nobody ever warns you about the times when life knocks you down and you can't. get. the fuck. up. honestly, sometimes life knocks your ass down and when you get up, you're different. you just can't go back to the way you were before you were knocked the fuck down, it's not possible. and that's the yucky unfun part about growing up for me. i've lost bits of me and aspects of myself over the years. i've lost friends and houses and pets and towns and family and it's fucking surreal. it really is.

i asked my roommate, vinny, "does it ever stop feeling weird? getting older?" and he laughed and shook his head and replied, "no. no, it doesn't."

7.05.2016

Christopher Kane Versus Versace Fall 2010






I really love the alienesque quality of these dresses. I need something super structured and colorful and metallic in my life right about now, I think. 

2.08.2016

Closer To You




i made a song! kinda... this is a rly rough version on my phone, but, hey, it's something creative! hope you enjoy.

LYRICS:

in stressful situations
i need constant stimulation
to keep me from destroying myself

and my entire life is
a stressful situation
imploding in on itself

i'm sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so I climb on the roof
and get too drunk
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
i can feel closer to you (x3)

i spent years of my life
asleep on other people's couches
trying to figure out

why my nails are bitten down
and why i feel like i'm
not in control of myself

i'm sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so i climb on the roof
and i drink too much
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
I can feel closer to you (x3)

i wore the same jeans for a couple of months
avoided the cracks in the sidewalk
we fed ants in the street
in the sweet summer heat
little johnny and me
until he stomped them.
i couldn't stop him.

sorry for being aloof
i just learned not to
expose my
vulnerabilities
so i climb on the roof
and get too drunk
cus it's more comfortable
not giving a fuck
not giving a fuck

pour me another shot so
i can feel closer to you (x3)

11.16.2015

Outfit #01

I hardly ever post outfit pics, which is something I'm trying to work on. The problem is that I'm too tall to fit in my webcam, which means I'm going to have to break my camera out at some point, and I'm just so lazy u_u  plus I always forget to charge the battery. I always ALWAYS forget to charge things, everything. 


I'm also thinking of taking pics of all my clothes so I can post outfit details. Is that crazy? Probably, but then again, so am I.

In this pic I'm wearing my black leggings w/some tights underneath to keep warm, because it's finally somewhat chilly in Southern California, and my bright yellow fuzzy socks. Underneath my oversized jean shirt w/crayons on the pocket I have on a comfortable and old black and white striped crop top that I'm very fond of. I didn't wash my hair for like, 5 days so I just braided it and piled it on top of my head, a very popular look I've come to realize. I constantly get complimented on this hairstyle even though it's the laziest thing I know how to do. Gooo figure. The only makeup I'm wearing is some foundation and my NYX bright red matte lipstick because it was actually like 7 something in the morning and I was on my way to a Dr.'s appointment and who has time to really do their makeup at 7 something in the morning? unless you're a Superwoman, which is SO not the case for me.

Anyhow, hope your week is going alright so far!



10.26.2015

things i need in order to become more successful creatively



  • a new computer: my computer just died, sadly. or is in the process of dying. it's an old laptop and it barely ran anyway but still... super depressing!

  • a phone: yeah... it's 2015, i'm 25, and i do not have a phone. when i DO get a phone, tho, i want it to be hella hi tech in order to make up for all of the years that i've spent being cut off from the rest of humanity. i want a phone so i can post on the go ! i need it to stay connected to everyone ! and most importantly i need it so i can post all of my selfies on instagram! LIKE A HUMAN BEING, GODDAMNIT!
  • a tablet: no, no... not another fancy device simply for posting selfies, i mean a drawing tablet, and a NICE ONE, so I can make the arts. 
  • ink for my printer: it would be really nice to print out reference photos to take w/me on the go. 
  • more toy cameras: for my zine, duh. also i want to document my life. i never got over the whole hipster thing where people use film cameras. i LIKE the artsyfartsyness of it all. call me a cliche, idgaf.
  • new pens: art pens! gosh, all of my old ones dried out. i need some cool new ones for inking.
  • copic markers: the more, the better. i love the bold colors. i thoroughly enjoy working w/markers.
  • gauche paint: i've never used this kind of watercolor before, but apparently it's the paint i've been dreaming of. i've always preferred watercolor in the past but found it to be frustrating to work w/when you're trying to get a bold color. layer after layer after layer of paint, and alllll of that waiiiiiiiting like YAWN. i've heard that gauche paint is a more opaque watercolor, and that is music to my ears, truly, cus who has time for that shit? idk people with patience. not me.
  • BETTER ART PROGRAMS: ???
  • $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  • I know... it seems like a lot, and it is. I'm mostly wondering if anyone has any suggestions or tips on how to acquire some or all of the above in a cost effective manner. If you have any suggestions, please, let me know! I have no idea what kind of computer to buy, or phone, or tablet, or art pens. I NEED HELP and I'm not afraid to admit it. So, internet... please help me. If you have a favorite pen for inking, let me know. If you think copic markers are a ripoff because ________ has cheaper ones and are essentially the same, leave a comment. If you know where to find reasonably priced printer ink, holla@me. I would really appreciate it. Hope everyone is having a nice day!

    Summer Seems So Long Ago








    8.25.2015

    why?

    an airplane droned across the sky
    a small white line appearing through the blinds
    you told me that you could always predict good days
    and tried to make my bad ones better
    sweater weather brought us together but
    i never felt romantically inclined i never wanted to
    kiss you
    but i wanted to be close i needed
    someone to love me
    my frizzy hair like a halo in the light
    my lipstick stains on cigarettes
    i never meant for it to be serious i just liked drinking
    and driving and talking and laughing and dancing and doing
    basically everything with you
    we were never together so we could never break up but
    when you stopped hanging around i felt like something was
    broken something was really wrong
    we cried together and held hands and you
    clung to me in the night and
    came to me in the pouring rain with cookies and hot chocolate
    i'll never forget us even though
    i'm just a lipstick smudge in your memory now
    and probably not even
    that

    8.24.2015

    A doodle a day

    I'm trying to keep creating even though at times its a struggle for me, unfortunately. Going outside helps. I've been reading books more, too. I hope I can keep this attitude up for at least a little bit ~

    6.08.2015

    Sweet Summer

    Sweet Summer

    Sweet Summer by mutantlizardgirl 

    To be fair, this isn't a very functional outfit if you actually plan on, you know, riding the skateboard, but in my imagination this person has a pair of vans in their backpack jussssst in case.

    I entered some contest on polyvore and the theme was "bright summer dresses" ! I mean, I think I captured the essence of summer in this set. At the very least, a dress can't get much brighter than this one. I don't think I'll win or anything, I just felt like doing something creative and it's 4 in the morning so I didn't want to have to think about it. Polyvore is so soothing in the sense that you can fit colors and shapes together in any way imaginable. Everyone should make a polyvore and add me! Now I really do need to go to bed !!!

    6.05.2015

    6.04.2015

    gIRL

    gIRL

    gIRL by mutantlizardgirl 

    It's been awhile since I've posted about #fashun on this blog. I guess I was depressed? Or uninspired? Self conscious? I stopped taking pics of myself and I completely stopped making things? I guess that's the way it goes when you have depression! Anyhow, I've been drawing more and making things and getting dressed so that's really good! And now I can post more about my silly polyvore sets that I make.

    I'm terrible at giving things relevant titles. When I imagine the gIRL who would wear this, I think of a tough chick who listens to twee and who goes to shows a lot? Of course, everything I create is something that I would wear so I suppose this gIRL is an alter ego of mine... a self that has $$$ cash money $$$. I'm trying to accumulate more of a wardrobe. I don't really look good in those saggy boyfriend jeans that are SO COOL right now which is a bummer cause when people pull it off it really does look SO COOL and laid back and chill. I wanna be laid back and chill, wtf. I'm tall and big so it's hard enough just finding pants, let alone aesthetically pleasing hip cool guy pants!

    I'm thinking of opening up an online shop to sell junk that I find since I see so many people online doing it seemingly successfully? So, pretty soon I hope to open up a store. My plan is to use the money I make selling clothes for buying clothes, that way I have some kind of disposable income. Similarly, I want to try selling my artsy fartsy stuff so I can have fundS to make more artsy farsty stuff. If anyone has any advice on this subject and would be willing to help me out, please, feel free to comment or even send me an email!

    Oh, and another thing, I'm going to be redoing the look of my blog soon. Idk to what yet but all of my image links are breaking and I'm kindof over the scrolling, dizzying floral background. If you have any thoughts or ideas or opinions, let me know in the comments!

    ANYHOO, what do you think of this lOOK? I just want to keep making things to make things, like Andy Warhol said, just make more art, let other people decide if they like it or not!  

    4.15.2015

    i won't even make excuses about not posting anymore. i just... don't. lack of motivation, probably. i finished all of glee that's on netflix, tho.

    that's important.

    (':

    today i actually rode my BIKE through the PARK on my way to buy crap from my work. i contemplated bringing a camera w/me of some kind, but i psyched myself out thinking i was going to lose or break it, so i left everything at home except for my backpack, wallet, ipod and headphones. it was an interesting ride, to say the least. i put on a cute outfit (well, imo? it was simple, but spring-y. i should've taken pics but i never take pics because AWKWARD)

    i was listening to music and cruising through the park when i saw this old guy who had come into my work the other day to buy stuff just sitting on the grass by the side of the road, under some measly baby trees. he's in a wheelchair, and as i rolled up to where he was sitting, it became apparent that he was homeless. we talked for a second, he told me his name was larry, and he asked me if i could bring him back some orange and grape soda, from big lots. i agreed, of course. he tried to give me some money but i was like, c'mon dude. i'm not gonna make you pay for some soda, i got it. i promised to return w/the soda and went on my way.

    everyone complimented my colorful hat when i went in, which was super nice since most of my friends have been telling me that it's a "grandma hat" which should've stayed at the kmart for all eternity, where it belongs. i bought the soda and my other junk and some water for the dude because ... guy, you gotta hydrate... you can't just have soda all day. you know? and then i immediately rode the soda/water down to him and gave him the 5 bucks i had in cash in my pocket (which was covered in weird pocket sweat and prly gross but what's a girl 2 do) and told him to come by biglots sometime to let me know how he was doing. i wish i could've moved him somewhere better to sleep... he was trying to set up a tent right where he was sitting and i knew right away that he would be chased out of there by some cops sooner or later... but there really isn't a good spot for a disabled homeless man in a wheelchair to set up camp anywhere nearby, so, idk. i was on my bike and carrying shit so there's not much i could've done, plus i was alone w/a random dude, that always sketches me out. i guess i'm just going to worry about him for a bit.

    the wind was really nice and i rode through the streets jamming to my tunes and it was alright.


    2.27.2015

    outfit post!

              I don't normally get dressed, mainly because the only time I ever leave my house is to go to work @ Big Lots and we're required to wear uniforms, so, no creativity for me )o: !

              I had today, off, though, so I decided to put on an outfit. It felt good, I miss doing it, I miss getting to dress up and wear cute skirts and blue lipstick. I truly h8 working sometimes, it sucks all the fun out of LIFE working for the MAN, man!!! UGH! But at least I can afford to buy things like thrifted blue hi-waisted skirts and cool socks, otherwise I'd be really, really depressed about life.




              Nothing puts me in a better mood than a well coordinated outfit. Nothing. In fact, I was trying to post more selfies this year in an attempt to capture all of my crazy outfits, but as usual I flaked out almost instantly due to my anxiety. I really have to push myself to keep posting! And taking pics! And documenting life! And drawing! Because it helps make me feel better about things. When Jeff gets back from driving, he's going to help me learn how to use his cameras, that way I can actually make outfit posts on this blog finally! I'm pretty excited about that.

              Anyhow, I hope to someday post a selfie a day! That's my goal. I love going back and looking @ old pics, but I h8 taking pics, so it's definitely something I have to work on to be more comfortable w/posting current photos. I am kinda weird I suppose. My belief is that owning a smart phone might make it easier for me to document my life but we won't know until my tax return comes in and I buy my new phone !!! now, will we? Which I am also stoked about because I feel like a total old freak for not being constantly tuned into social media like everyone else! I just wanna fit it, Mom!

              Alright, I'm pretty much done now. I just wanted to let you guys know that I totally plan on posting here way more often this year, starting... now!

    2.16.2015

    being 25

                It really is strange, growing older. I feel like I just molt in and out of personalities over time, totally ditching the past me's and becoming a different person each and every day, little by little.

    "'I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning," said Alice a little timidly: "but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

              I'm about to turn 25, and I feel like I'm finally at a point in my life where I now have an elusive past. Like, I can say casually in conversation  that high school was ten years ago for me, or that I have friends who have been my friends for 10+ YEARS, that kind of thing. I have a history now, some baggage to carry around, some shit to regret, some exes to hate... It's interesting. I probe around the past in my head, feeling true nostalgia for the first time, finally knowing what it's like to love and live and lose an entire generation, a whole childhood, gone.

    http://www.india-k.com/

    http://www.india-k.com/

              I'm not sure how I feel about growing up, yet. I know that it's supposed to be normal to feel bad about getting older, to be scared, to fear mortality, wrinkles, becoming ugly, etc.... but I also know that just because something is "normal" in this society, doesn't mean that it should be. I'm trying to embrace my age, not fear or resent it as much as I have in the past. I'm a Peter Pan kindof girl at heart, never wanting to grow up, always ready for an adventure, but that doesn't mean that I have to avoid doing my taxes, or stay up until 4am every morning watching GLEE when I know I have shit to do the next day. I'm an adult now. I could rent a car if I wanted to! Forget the fact that I'm terrified of driving and dream with me for a moment here, people! 
             
              Needless to say, I do not feel 25, at all. The last 6 years whooshed past me and I'm really not sure what to do, aside from writing really long and mournful journal entries about it. My youth, my true youth, is gone. Older people will tell me that I'm still young, but really, I'm not. I'll never be 17 again, listening to bad emo bands or dreaming about getting the perfect scene haircut whilst scrolling through the Neopets roleplaying boards, and that will never be me again (although I am thinking of bringing the scene mullet back just for funsies). Does it not blow anyone else's mind that Panic! At the Disco's debut album just turned 10 years old? I mean, seriously. Alt Emo can't be retro yet, I'm not ready!


           
              Additionally, I really feel like I'm losing touch with the younger generations, to a certain extent. The whole everyone-has-a-smart-phone thing is weird, and since I don't even have one, I find myself slipping further and further behind. Actually, the whole everyone-uses-the-internet thing is weird for me, too, since when I was younger the 'net wasn't as widely accepted as it is now. Kids look up youtube videos in strollers and 4 year olds take selfies. I'm intrigued, however, by this new youth. I'm excited to see what comes from them, with their tech-savvy-ness, which is now a word. And I really don't believe the whole "we were the last generation to play in the street" garbage that you see people in their 30's spamming on facebook. I see kids playing outside all of the time! Hello, smart phones are fucking portable, technology isn't keeping children indoors! Ask my neighbors, their kids are constantly screaming and running up and down the street, just like we did. So I really don't know what the fuck old people are going on about when they write off this next generation of kids as being lazy technosnobs obsessed with taking selfies. If we had the technology available to us as younguns, we would've went for it. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm optimistic. I see more and more younger people getting involved politically, thanks to the internet. I see creative kids posting online, making things, networking, in ways adults don't even know how to do. I'm impressed by our youth, if anything. I don't find them to be apathetic at all. I think adults need to spend more time actually talking to their kids and less time reposting smack about them on social media sites, although the kinds of parents who do this are also probably the kinds of parents who continuously post cringe-worthy, borderline racist articles for all of the family to see on facebook, so it s possible that they just don't have a lot in common with their more socially aware children, I don't know. I just think kids are amazing and I'm going to miss being one.

            In a way, however, it's nice being the old fogey. I'm done being the stupid kid (for the most part) learning all of those harsh life lessons that you gotta learn in order to function properly as an adult, like, for example, that doing 10 shots of anything in a row on an empty stomach is just plain stupid. Sometimes you just have to live to learn, man. I now KNOW my alcohol limit. I can actually feel myself go from buzzed to drunk, and then stop drinking. It's amazing, I know, but trust me, someday, underage person drinking, you, too, will know your booze limit. It's only a matter of time. You may also learn what kindof guys to avoid, which haircuts look good and which haircuts... don't, who your real friends are, how high school was a complete joke, among many other valuable lessons. Am I done learning? No, of course not. But I do feel like I've made a pretty solid foundation for growth in my teens and early 20's through some major trial and error. So, it's nice having most of that shit be behind me, in the sense that it's no longer in front of me, but I now have to deal with the memories. And memories are weird and sad and almost like dreams, at times, so it really is super strange getting older and growing up. I'm new to it, too. I've never been old before. Your mind changes, your body changes, everything around you and about you changes, really, but your past stays exactly the fucking same.

    If anyone knows the original artist of the picture above, please let me know!